Things I Got Wrong About God

For the longest time, I thought I had to earn it.

His presence. His love. His attention. I thought I had to be pure enough, good enough, healed enough before I could even look up and meet His eyes. So I kept working on myself. Kept apologising. Kept promising to be better. Kept thinking maybe when I fix this part of me, maybe then I will finally deserve Him.

But all that trying… only created distance. Not because He stepped back.

Because I did.

I made God a destination I hadn’t qualified for yet. A reward I had to earn through perfection. And every time I fell short which was often I quietly walked further away, ashamed, sure that this time I had gone too far.

What I didn’t understand then is what breaks me open now.

He was never waiting for me to be perfect. He was just waiting for me to come back.

Every single time I failed, every time I unravelled, every time I was too much or not enough, He didn’t turn away. He didn’t keep a record. He didn’t make me explain myself. He was just… there.

Holding the door open. Holding me.

God doesn’t love the version of me that has it all together. He loves the version of me that is still figuring it out, still falling, still trying to find the way home.

I wasted so many years standing outside a door that was never locked.

And the moment I stopped trying to be worthy of walking through it I realised I had been inside all along.

Note:

I think deep down, we are all trying to prove ourselves to God. But maybe this is the reminder we needed today.

You don’t have to prove anything. You never did.